The Ugly Truth - Looking Inside My Self

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Have you ever wished you could momentarily pause your life and rewind to simpler times? 

Lately, I have wished this daily. It's difficult to put my finger on just one thing that causes me anguish - it's a combination of things and events, I suppose.

No, I am not going through a mid-life crisis. I don't think that I am, at least, who knows? That seems like another subject to tackle another day. Please - one crisis at a time!

Could it be that I am just tired of doing and giving to others and never really getting anything in return? Could this be the beginning of my eyes being opened to the truth?

What is it that I want? What do I need? When is it my turn? Yes, I realize that I sound very selfish at the moment; quite honestly....it feels good! 

Taking care of one's self is not selfish if you are striving to be the best YOU can be. It does not make you a bad person either - what it does make you is: REAL! 

I can no longer go lying to myself, no longer playing the martyr. Perhaps, I have just been going through the motions for the past year. Perhaps, I haven't really stopped to think about myself.  Perhaps, COVID-19 has played a number on my brain and got me all turned around, inside out! 

The question is now: "What is the first step to making me happy?" We shall see...

I can only try my best and keep going forward. For now, I will focus on improving these top 3 areas of my life that will lead to my growth as an individual: 

    1) Take care of mental health - I will take time for myself when things get too overwhelming. 
            a. Incorporate daily meditation. 
            b. Focus on positive thoughts and let go of past hurt and negative experiences.
    2) Take care of physical health - I will commit to establishing a healthier lifestyle.  
            a. Execute an exercise regimen with realistic goals.
            b. Incorporate a balanced diet appropriate for my particular body type. 
    3) Eliminate all other influences that are not healthy for me, even if that means doing things alone.

Can anyone relate to feeling and thinking like this? Surely, I am not the only one going through this! There are 7,885,672,673 in this world (and counting) and it's not realistic that I am the only human being with these thoughts and feelings. Therefore, if you are feeling the same, I would love to hear from you and maybe just maybe we can figure it out together?

Please be kind if/when you leave your comments. 

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I wanted to share this prayer - it seems fitting for anyone.  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Amen

Until the next time....be kind to one another, please!

Another COVID YEAR!

Always look for the beauty in life!

Well... isn't THIS fantastic?! It appears that I am notorious for waiting years in between posts! How can I not have at least one hour every day to express and share my thoughts, my accomplishments, and the challenges I face with those of you who actually get some sort of enjoyment from reading my blog? By the way, thanks!

So within the last couple of years, things have definitely changed. Our country and actually, now globally we are entering into year two of living LA COVID-19 VIDA! We live in a world of to mask or not to mask, to vaccinate or not to vaccinate.

I don't know where you stand on these and this is in no way a political post so not going to go there...all I want to say is, so far I (and my family) have survived, and keep going strong with no plans of stopping! We are survivors - PERIOD! I am appreciative of the things in my life - GOD, Family & Friends.

I'm still trying to "figure it all out" when I finally do figure it all out, I am going to throw the biggest party my town has ever seen! (That was a little too exaggerating, but you get the gist!)  

Do you know just how challenging this journey to "figure out my life" has been? Well, maybe some of you do know, as you may also suffer from the same thing I do...I call it Career Confusionitis. 

Career Confusionitis is when an individual suffers from an unclear state of mind. This occurs when choosing a profession, occupation, and trade or commits to a permanent calling. 

I bet some of you have no idea how difficult it is to choose just one thing to focus on for a person like me. Although I haven't been diagnosed with A.D.D., I sometimes wonder if that's what's wrong with me? 🤷

Take, for example, a friend of mine asked me, "What is it that you REALLY want to do?" I looked at her like a deer looking into the headlights. "Uh, well, what do you mean?" I asked her back, but immediately I began to feel that lump and pressure in my throat. I knew that I had to think of an answer - the RIGHT answer immediately. I could feel my heart beating faster. 

"You know," she said. "If you were given one wish to come true right now, what would you choose to do for the rest of your life?"

I thought we were friends! How dare she ask me this? How the hell am I supposed to narrow it down to just one thing? I mean really, there's: dancing, traveling, cooking, singing, arts/crafts, swimming, camping, boating, marketing, video games, writing, drawing, baking, painting, decorating, party planning, real estate, gardening, home improvement, advertising, oh my gosh - the list goes on and on and on!

I grabbed my Chocolate Martini and replied, "Honestly, I don't know." I felt like crying! Why was this so hard for me? You see, I like to do a lot of things, some I thoroughly enjoy doing, others I have an interest in learning more about, and others I am good at doing or just have experience doing them and don't really mind doing them. 

She looked at me, smiled, and said, "OK, well don't sweat it, whatever is meant for you to do, will come. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but it will come, just have faith and take rest knowing the right thing will come." Honestly, I felt as if nothing was answered but her words did bring me comfort. We sat and enjoyed the rest of our evening, dining and drinking our martini's - just being in the now! OH GEEZ! One more thing to add to my list: Winemaking and tasting! Wouldn't that be a fun thing to learn and do? 

Later that evening, I thought about it...."WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?" Not to be confused with what I have to do. For years and years, I have been doing what I have to do - to survive. I am not trying to sound ungrateful, so please forgive me if that is how it comes off.

I AM GRATEFUL for all the past business opportunities. I have grown so much because I was given a chance to learn and develop additional skills. Somehow, however, deep down inside myself, I know I was meant to do more with this one life I have been given. That is the answer I seek - what was I born to do? How can I contribute to society and be happy and enjoy what I do? 

So, my friends, I will leave you with this: I am not giving up! I will search my little heart out and will share with you what I find and learn.

Until the next time, be kind and love one another!

Dang I am such a bad blogger!

Photo credit: Healthyplace.com

Incredible! Unbelievable! Shameful!

Just a few of the words that come to mind right now as I think about how long it has been since I have posted anything.  As I look at my past posts, it has been 8 months since I last shared anything. Quite a bit has happened in that short amount of time and I am still trying to catch my breath and keep my head from spinning. Lots of losses as well as a lot of gains and grateful for all of it!

Since my last post, I got a new job that challenges me and I look forward to actually going to work everyday, this one is the biggest since this is the one that was my most dreaded last year. On the family front, nothing really new here to share other than them darned kids keep growing and I continually am buying clothes for them! I should have invested money in JCPenny stocks! Been blessed that my husband is still able to work and has kept busy during the "slow season".

Today I will appreciate the moment, not think about or let me re-phrase, not stress about the future because in all reality we need to take one day at a time for we may never see tomorrow. I feel very appreciative for today, for my kids, my family, my job, my health, my life. I hope that whomever reads this can remember to take one day at a time and to also remember we are NEVER alone. God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are with us in every step we take and we need to lean on them when we can no longer do it alone....all we need to do is ask and have FAITH!  This holiday season has been a wonderful one so far and I expect great things to come in 2018!

I also wanted to share a really great article I came across the other day, it's a worthy read - please check it out. There are some really great points & tips that I found helpful, maybe you will find some too.  

What is Bliss? What Does Living A Blissful Life Mean? by SYDNEY SAVION, D.ED.

Until the next time dear friends....be kind to one another!

Come on, really?

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First, AAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!! (that felt good - even though I can't yell out loud right now, somehow pounding the keyboard felt good!)

It's been awhile since my last entry and to be honest, I just haven't felt motivated to do anything.  I have been trying to fight back with this funk I have been in and it's been a challenge to say the least. Still only working part-time and have been looking for full-time, finding it more and more difficult each day to find a job with the flexibilty that my family needs.

Meanwhile, there are bills to pay and mouths to feed....I wish I would just once and for all get this so called life figured out! I have so many things in my head that I want to do, could do, should do, but none of them sticks out more than the other.  Everyone just tells me..."Just pick one thing and do it!" Do you know how completely impossible that is for someone who is going through depression? Someone suffering from anxiety? Ok so now the devil's advocate...."why don't you just get a prescription?" Uh, well because I don't want to become addicted and I hate giving money to those fake killinig pharmaceutical companies! The sad part is...if I can't kick this things butt, I may have to turn to pills! 

Am I the only one that feels like this? I can't be alone in this...I just wish I could find the quick solution so I could get on with my life.  For now, all I can do is write down my feelings and thoughts in hopes that clarity will come my way.

Until the next time....be kind to one another. 

What you are about to read.....

The perfect find for how I feel today- lol!

I have decided that I AM DONE! Done with everything, the traffic, the bills, the groceries, the laundry, the kids, the husband, ultimately everything! Seriously, why is this so difficult? I am going to warn you, what you are about to read next comes from a fed-up, self-employed, middle aged crazy and hormonal housewife ranting about this and that and whatever else comes to mind. Or at least for today - this is who I am and who you get.

Transformation & The 12 Steps

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11 days into my "transformation" and all I can say is that it's been ok.  I'm still looking for work. Preferably a full-time gig close to home and doing something that won't kill me but will pay the bills. I'm trying to stay hopeful that something will come soon and counting my blessings.  Things could be alot worse!

As for the entrepreneurial aspect, I have alot of business ideas; unfortunately, those ideas come to me at 12am, 1am, 3am! I must admit some of them are pretty clever, but they all require capital.

I have had a few ups and downs here and there but luckily for me I have a supportive family and awesome friends who "kick my butt" when my Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde syndrome starts. Why, just this morning I was speaking to one of my best gal pals during our morning skype chat about feeling like I've been on a roller coaster ride.

One week later.....still hanging in there!

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One week down and feeling pretty good. I have been keeping up with my yoga, zumba and eating healthier. To get me going I have a protein shake in the morning, but after my coffee.  Yes, I said coffee and I know those die hard health fanatics out there are going to disagree with me (and I expect that you will and for the record you are correct) but truth of the matter is....this old lady needs her caffeine!  So, I say to you with a word of wisdom, do some research on what is good and what is bad for your own body.  Being educated is the best weapon, it truly is!  Now don't misunderstand me please, I am capable of foregoing that cup of coffee in the morning indeed, the dilema lies in the fact that I simply do not care to give it up just yet! (These are signs and symptoms of a woman in transformation - do not be alarmed, this is normal and eventually will subdue.) 👍

Do you ever just get tired of going there?

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For the past few weeks, months even...I have found myself in that place! Yes, that place we all dread...it silently creeps in and can take you out single handed-ly! Depression! Now, I'm not making light of it either so do not get me wrong. There are plenty of reasons why you should take depression seriously. 

Ready to Get Off This Crazy Train!

I get so sick and tired of feeling down in the dumps! Anybody else sick and tired of the same thing? I'm ready to get off this crazy train yo-yo of a ride!  

In a past post I believe I shared my hope in getting my home organized and with minimal clutter, which by the way, is a hard task to do especially when there are 4 other people in the house who are not necessarily making the upkeep any easier! {Shiny squirrel moment: I can sympathize with those poor folks on that Hoarders reality t.v. show, some things are just hard to part with.}  I digress...  

Day 2 - Slow and Steady

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Day 2 of getting back on track! I've started my exercise regimen (which really consists of Zumba dummied down for this old lady!) I also started drinking more water, and watching what I eat.  Now I will be 100% honest, it's tough! Once you fall out of routine and your body gets used to being sedentary, it takes so much effort to get going!

Anyway, I am going to try to stick with it for as long as I am able. My commitment to myself is what I need to focus on.  I won't try to over do it and push myself so hard in the beginning that I scare myself off...after all, slow and steady wins the race!

Until next time friends...be kind to one another!